Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?

Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.

My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”

You guys just tried it, didn’t you?

[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.

[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain

The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose

Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.

Him:*laughs nervously*

Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial

I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.

According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools

Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.

I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.

waiter: what would you like?

me: maybe the steak

waiter: and what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have the steak too

I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident

[leaving Hooters]

Wife: you thought there’d be owls

Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous

Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator

Me: why

*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*

Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.

– repeat offenders

A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.

Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃

My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete

[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.

It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.

Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly

I pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food

Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?

I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.

Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything

Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.

My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?

Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.