I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
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Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
I love the National Park Service.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma