Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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A thread 🧵

“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”

Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.

coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]

Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.

Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”

Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”

interviewer: describe your hero

me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room

Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.

Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.

If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.

When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.

Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.

The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.

trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you

And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.

If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.

Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.

Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.

WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies

[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.

Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.

the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’

The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.

*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*

Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world

Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?

It was about a week back…

(Slaps knee!)

the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like

*Game Character Treatment Center*

Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here

Pac-Man: Binge eating

Lara Croft: Kleptomania

Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets

13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!

Me: What?

13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.

Me:

13: Oh wait, that’s French.

[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]

My Son: Where’s his lawyer?

Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.

My Son: *heavy sigh*