I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
You Might Also Like
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child