I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
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*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.