I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
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Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Listening to music and explicit lyrics play.
In my 20s: *turns song up and sings along loudly with it*
In my 40s: *changes song* Do they have to cuss so much?
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me: