Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon

BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.

CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.

[deserted Island]

other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies

me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously

Done with work today.

The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it

Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere

My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.

My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits

*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?

*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!

My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.

Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.

how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell

waiter: say when

dracula: ven

other waiter: haha say it again

Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?

Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.

I wish this was real life…

Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea

HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”

I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation

You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is

wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

judge: please, rephrase the question

yoda lawyer:

Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.

Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.

coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name

{Me to my dogs}

No more table scraps.

(5 seconds later)

Here you go.

In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!

My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.

I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.