I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
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It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Godspeed, John Glenn
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.