Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I think the washer went out

Me: What time will it be back?

Wife: Please get my suitcase

Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too

pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers

DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”

I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.

I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.

Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.

A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.

6: how do you spell once?

Me: o-n-c-e

6: how do you spell upon?

Me: u-p-o-n

6: how do you spell-

Me: what are you doing?

6: writing a story. how do you spell…

It’s going to be a long weekend.

You get: 1 hour of extra sleep

You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm

Detective: how were u able to do it?

Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder

imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt

Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.

establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass

why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?

[debate]

ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not

you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same

if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats

[Friday 5pm]

Me: *shutting down computer*

Computer: have a good weekend 🙂

[Monday 8am]

Me: omg you’re still on

Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”

Me: “When can I start?”

My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂

‘Probably’.

“Hey. My eye is up here.”

– hurricanes

Wife – remember to compliment the host

[later]

Me – your wife is hot

STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST

1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy

Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine

“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.