I asked my coworker what he got his wife for Christmas and he said “a vacuum” and I was like damn did u get her an exercise bike too and he had no idea what I was talking about
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ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
My background check bounced.