Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red

If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.

I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.

Me: A storm is coming

My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”

he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff

Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”

Me: I’m so stressed

Heart: play some music you’ll feel better

Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better

Brain: cut all your hair off

Me: wait what?

Brain: today.

god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference

I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.

I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”

As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it

As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭

[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?

When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.

But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”

Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.

[creation of spinach]

God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.

Angel: Is everything okay at home?

There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.

My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”

*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST

GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish

“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog

Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.

I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.

Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?

FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ

Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?

Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions