I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
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Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Forrest Gump is a haunting film about how long you have to wait for a bus in America
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.