Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.

I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.

The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.

There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter

If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.

Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.

i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg

See..?

.

My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her

Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms

Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger

Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.

Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.

You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.

Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.

I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.

*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*

My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.

You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous

Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby

ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes

Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.

I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”

*puts you on pedestal*

*vacuums where you were standing*

*takes you off pedestal*

I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“

My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE

[polygraph test]

Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?

Me: Committed, or been caught?

Tester: …

Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.

*needle goes crazy*

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.

My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria

If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.

[funeral]

Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?

*sliding it off his finger*

Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…

Of course I support real issues.

I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement

Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly

– autocorrect