Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..

Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.

Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.

Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.

Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.

We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.

I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game

Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi

A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁

Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.

*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?

I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.

flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator

Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.

I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?

The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.

one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up

I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.

I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.

Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.

My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?

Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs

ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470

SON: So cats don’t have much taste

CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious

DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again

My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.

Me: Your wifi isn’t working

Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!

Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible

Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo

I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?