I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
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BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter