Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?

Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it

Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic

Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.

Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me

Genie: okay

Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel

Genie: k…

Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s

[McDonald’s]

Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂

Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*

does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.

“We could do that, or…”

Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.

say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls

superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?

batman:

superman:

batman:

superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?

batman: yep

If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.

Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any

I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…

to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants

I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.

Spoiler Alert: I was late

Bros before Ohioes

Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.

Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?

Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.

Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.

It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.

Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.

I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.

Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss

There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.

Okay, Feds.

Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.

my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”

the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers

*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*

ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.

Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?

Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”

Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”