I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
![]()
You Might Also Like
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
![]()
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
![]()
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
smh
![]()
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
“I FIXED IT!”
![]()
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine