Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.

MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.

I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!

I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.

Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)

I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.

Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…

BOSS: why are you late?

ME:

When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…

There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.

Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?

Judge: Granted

Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*

Roomba: *revving suction noises*

I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!

Me: Oh

Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?

I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today

I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.

why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?

The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim

I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”

Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today

I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.

So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup

if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work

When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.

So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.

As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”

Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.

Body: time to sleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner

Funeral Home Director: please leave.

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.