I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
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Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
This billboard speaks to me
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
❤️🦆
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
I fucking love Gary Larson so much
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*
Me:
