Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: can you type fast?

me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words

If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.

My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises

My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.

hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: blurry

I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?

The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.

My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.

Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.

Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.

“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”

Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:

Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous

Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside

“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.

* wishes on shooting star

” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”

My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.

Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!

I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.

You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.

Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand

[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour

fired

“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.

New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it

No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.