Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this

HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?

Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.

HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.

Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date

My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does

I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work

If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.

If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze

I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.

my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do

Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?

George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”

“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”

“No sun.”

My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night

My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it

spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir

If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.

I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.

It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.

My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.

heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)

[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*

I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings

Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!

In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.

the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity

“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”

*slams phone*

Why do I keep calling that parrot?!