Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong

You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family

Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes

But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?

this year felt like being awake during surgery

this is one of the best threads in twitter history

Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors

Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS

Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.

My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.

As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.

Candles never taste the way they smell

Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-

God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.

Worm: I mean that’s fair.

[Centipede crawls by]

Worm:

God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.

My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.

Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?

if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know

With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.

I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.

*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats

Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*

Imperial officer: What’s the password?

Han: It’s “password.”

Vader: We should really change that.

cop: where u headed

me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat

cop: [handing me his gun] good luck

you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”

[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*

Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.

I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share

I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.

this chia pet tastes awful

my mom decorated the apartments for the cats

It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.

If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.