Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.

Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.

My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.

Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.

“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world

Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.

Ladies, if he’s

– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber door

He’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.

ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.

GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.

ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.

please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,

When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.

therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?

me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters

therapist: get out

New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.

My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.

Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh

Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?

Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.

Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.

All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!

I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.

i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor

Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.

(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)

Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.

Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?

Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”

Person: *laughing*

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.

I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf

I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.