Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.

I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.

I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college

*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.

If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.

*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.

Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!

It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023

*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*

*an hour later*

7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?

[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister

I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.

I’m not sorry.

Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*

Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*

devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat

Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.

Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.

*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”

ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?

CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?

ME: I am not.

Absence didn’t work what else ya got?

[God creating bears]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t

Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it

You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.

At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.

returning to work after a holiday weekend like

Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter

I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!

–she did but she took my phone with her.

Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere

host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam

sam: yeah and you as well

host:

sam:

host: killer job sammy boy

Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it

[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box

[dinner]
prince eric:

ariel:

prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing

ariel: no no, not this crab

prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good

ariel: he was just a backup dancer