I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
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Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Living the best life.. 😊
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
“We will wed,” I threatened
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*