Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent

me: can you tell my boss that

My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.

Greek yogurt should have Greek names.

“What flavor you got?”

“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”

*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*

mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you

“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”

Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.

the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope

When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .

Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?

*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini

I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..

When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”

[deparment store]

Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside

Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*

Snake: woofssssss

If Mona Lisa was on Instagram

7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.

Him: Amazon Prime and chill?

Her: That’s not something people say.

Him: Sure it is. Bing it.

Her: Also not a thing.

Yes 😂

Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today

Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)

Wife: I heard that

Me: one taco without strawberries

Taco Bell guy: strawberries?

Me: no thank you

I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume

Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.

i kicked the back of her seat ONE time

People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.

At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral

I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.

I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.