I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
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ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
“Great, now I have to pee.”