Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.

Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so

“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”

DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.

ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?

Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.

*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

ME: [running for my flight]

PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP

Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.

My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.

If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.

Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation

The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.

I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.

there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body

Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.

Exec: *under breath* whoa

“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.

I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.

My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants

The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind

I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.

If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.

Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.

ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.

I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.

If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.

INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?

ME: ʸᵉˢ

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin

Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car

For sale: Safe word. Sadly, never used