Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area

Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

*my obituary*

Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.

I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.

[talking to my son]

Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name

I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.

Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them

It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!

All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything

Donkey Kong sommelier

My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”

“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]

Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.

My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it

DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!

(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)

This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.

Must be doing something wrong.

*sinks into depression*

Depression: “Wrong hole.”

I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.

My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?

DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer

SON: what aisle?

DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?

If Donald Trump becomes President,

The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors

Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son

me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.

“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*

doctor: how often do you exercise

me: does sex count

doctor: yes

me: twice a day

doctor: with other living ppl?

me: why would you specify living

doctor: just answer

me: no I don’t exercise

If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.