I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
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Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
This will never not be funny 😭
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
multitasking lunch
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there