I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
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ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Oh we’ve met.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.