Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?

One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?

Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?

I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.

Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol

Benihana Chef: ha ha

Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much

I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.

Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?

Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.

Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.

Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye

Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.

If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine

this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W

Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.

Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline

Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.

Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.

With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter

Me: who is your favourite spice girl?

Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man

“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.

Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON

Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…

i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch

Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

Me: I understand.

*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*

At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.

What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.

My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.

Carl: Perfect weather tonight.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.

Me: Fair enough.

Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.

15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.

me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?

HER: I don’t even like you now

Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.

But other times, I’m sleeping.

I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.