I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
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Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs