I asked my friend to spell wonton backwards.
He said not now.
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[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
So many people to disappoint, so little time
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings