Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands

Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.

Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.

Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”

My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.

My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero

Daddy, where do bananas come from?

Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…

Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.

[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”

Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands

No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.

MOST RESTAURANTS:

Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

Before marriage: Kisses

After marriage: Hisses

My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!

On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.

him: i need some space

me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door

Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.

The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles

Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.

Normalize responding to work emails with:

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…

I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.

Proof that kids sometimes listen…

5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?

Me: I’m dressed

5: Those look like pajamas

Me:

5: Did you brush your teeth?

Me: Yes

5: Let me smell

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭

After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers

jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly

The fall of Netflix

Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.

We are not the same.