I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
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My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family