Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]

It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.

Science is a lie.

ME: *playing the piano*

WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh

ME: Why thank you, honey

{three days later}

ME: Wait a second

Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff

“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.

“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”

But she got me a shitty gift.

“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”

Well that’s a dumb policy.

Batman v Dracula

BOSS: You’re late again today

ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know

I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.

I’d like to formally apologize to everyone I’ve ever mocked for leaving their holiday lights up all year. You were visionaries, and I am now your disciple.

(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.

a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion

My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE

Me: *gives her a little bit*

My Dog: I have diarrhea

I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.

I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video

7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?

ME: he’s a NASA scientist

The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.

As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.

We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.

Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.

Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute

[house hunting]

Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!

Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!

Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids

Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.

Shit.

I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs

Teens – Slay all day

20s – Rosé all day

30s – Bidet all day

40s – Bengay all day

WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.

I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.

Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]

99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…