I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend
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I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
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My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
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How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Noah was an idiot.
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I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
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Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.