I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
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Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Bond. Trauma bond.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]