Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.

Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem

Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?

My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.

That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.

ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park

COP: no

ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol

COP: I’m not

I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:

“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”

Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.

Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.

Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant

Passport photographer: No

There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.

You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”

Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.

Thin eyeliner today.

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*covers entire face.

First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.

Women: You didn’t need that rule.

If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too

Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff

Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.

PlayStation: Install update?

Me: what update

PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?

I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day

I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.

My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.

Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?

Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail

Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?

Me: Yes

DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?

ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.

DON: And the boy?

ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.

I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.

Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter

Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.

When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.

I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.