Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.

Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.

I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”

Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.

Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.

Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?

[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad

The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.

Caught my son playing operation by himself and every time it would buzz he would say “now tell me where Batman is”

He’s going to be just fine

[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵

Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville

If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.

friend: let’s meet up soon

me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though

throwin a party tonight

goths $5
furries $5

raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both

My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something

Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?

deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring

Please can I keep him – he followed me home!

Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store

My zodiac sign is pistachio

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: what shall we worship?

EGYPTIAN KING: cats

Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot

5: *comes in room* hey old lady

Me: *looks around*

5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady

Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*

Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged

Wife: Call someone to fix it

Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward

The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.

Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

Me: I’m terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: (Screams)

Therapist: I see

Me: (Scream intensifies)

Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!

Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*

A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.

You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.

-Disney