I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
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If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
me and who
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.