I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
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baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Sign at work today
i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Well well well…
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…
My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you