I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
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My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.