Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.

me, flirting: did it hurt?

her: what

me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face

I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros

So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?

Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?

6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?

11: Post Melon

6:

When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.

You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.

“Please, no. I can try harder.”

You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.

[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins

I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.

Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

The shittier a bank’s website is, the safer your money is. Clean and easy to use web portal? You’re being scammed. Barely functioning console log looking windows 95 ass flash page? Sleep easy at night.

[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.

Deadpool was Green Lantern

Batman was Daredevil

Captain America was Human Torch

And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???

*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*

me: absolute shit technique

murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?

I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.

Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.

When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.

Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.

Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy

I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.

[police station]

Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Cop: *mumbling* am not.

[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL

Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi

My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.

That about sums up motherhood.

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

My son kneed himself on the trampoline.

*black eye forming

Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.

I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.