Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me – how about a Border Collie

Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding

Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?

breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.

All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself

Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you

Forever 21… pounds overweight

Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.

Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

Cyber Monday has become too commercialized

Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.

Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.

“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”

I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.

Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.

*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*

How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?

~ all countries

Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over

If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.

[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016

me: time to hit the hay

wife: you’re going to bed?

me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay

ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why

ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in

My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it

8: I wrote my list for Santa

Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?

8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?

Me: perfect

if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”

“Kids, I found a campsite!”

To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.

[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse

In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.