Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.

Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account

You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.

i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”

Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.

I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it

My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?

My husband’s closet:

I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.

[To Police Sketch Artist]

Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”

Sketch Artist:…

Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”

if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle

Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!

Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good

Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.

First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?

*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!

Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser

[During sex]

Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting

Me: It helps me in bed

Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS

I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.

me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.

me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS

I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.

WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected

ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?

Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat

I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”

Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat

I think my husband is psychic!

“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”

{from other room}
“You look great!”

RIDDLER: What has–

BATMAN: A gazebo

ROBIN: Matches

RIDDLER: Let me finish-

BM: A paperweight

R: Dental floss

RIDDLER: I hate you guys

I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.

Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.