I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
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I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Stonehinge
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.