Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.

Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.

Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet

what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented

We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.

one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops

I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.

The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.

(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany

There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.

[bakery]

Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!

Me: Definitely not happy tears

Him: What?

Me: What?

It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated

yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses

*waits several days to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

*waits a week to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that

*waits a month to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

aladdin: i can show you the world

jasmine: no

aladdin: i can show you a cool bug

jasmine: ok

me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard

‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.

This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.

some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil

My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.

So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.

Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.

*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!

Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?

Husband: GET UP!

Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?

Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?

There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.

him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?

still him: oh dude, that’s my bong

Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.

My favorite fruit salad is sangria.