I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
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Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Me: Here, does this help?
*turns and walks away*
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Sure, I’ll come to your party
*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”
– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong