I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
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yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?
Grow up
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
