Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I’m right.

Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.

Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…

found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs

Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.

You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.

Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes

ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid

Great Canadian literature.

Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?

Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?

I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”

[Girl’s night out]

Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there

Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME

look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens

It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.

“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”

So many things changing daily.

For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.

I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.

Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day

Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.

Not one.

*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*

I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic

For cardio I live beyond my means.

[Tattoo on nuts]

Caution: May contain people

I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses

One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁

Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?

I’m surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.

My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”

Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak

i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.

OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!

-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.