Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What do we want?”

“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”

“When do we want it?”

“Not!”

My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*

My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*

I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.

” I made my famous dip for the office party”

You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.

“But he wasn’t a chef”

Exactly

Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?

Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?

Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?

“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish

My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???

Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?

Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit

If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely

Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.

Son: That wasn’t you

I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.

“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.

me: in or out

dog: yep

me: which one

dog: you bet

Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?

Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!

– Incinerational Tweet

I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.

Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try

[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd

Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.

I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.

me: 11 can you come here

11: am i in trouble?

me: …no…but…should you be?

11: no.

me: sus.

Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess

(NASA)

HQ: Good launch everyone.

Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?

NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.

stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass

Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it

Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat

Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.

Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?

Me: No.

I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.

I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.

Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.

I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.