I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
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I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Cause of death: Zumba
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
favorite tropes as memes