I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
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I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙♀️
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’
I thought, “That’s just spam.”
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.