I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
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when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!