I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
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Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
#MeanwhileinCanada
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
i wish i could marry a nap
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten