I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
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meanwhile over on facebook
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries