Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.

Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?

Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!

he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus

ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work

WIFE: Why

ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom

WIFE: so kill it

ME:[whispering] its got my gun

Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.

[bedroom]

Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished

Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*

Me: no please I forgot the safe word

I am patiently waiting for your email

My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.

I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.

Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”

Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”

Breaking news:

Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!

My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King

No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK

When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.

How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra

When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.

It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.

Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.

babe wake up, it’s stupid outside

Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?

I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.

I bought it in 2007.

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”

*runs into long lost friend*

Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?

Me- I disappoint people

Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes

Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”

CDC ”Stop right there!!”

this is uni

There’s no “u” in narcissist