I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
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I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”