I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
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alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight
Throws bra on the floor
I feel much better
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”