I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
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Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Manager: just got a quick little job for you
Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job