I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
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I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Is anyone gonna tell them?
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.
My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
*apocalypse happens*
My kids: This place doesn’t have any wifi?
Me: No place has any wifi.
My kids: Ugh. This is the worst apocalypse ever!
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.