I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
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*checks Timeline*…
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
