I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
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My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
this FaceApp is creepy af
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
This kid is a star!
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
when the buffet is more honest than your date
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]