I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”
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I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Festival
Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?
Me: No, thank you.
PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!
Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
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Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Roses are red, you always mattered,
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No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.