I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”
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My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
[two years ago]
me: planet with the rings?
google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia
[now]
me: does italy exist
google: nope.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?