Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*

[before date]

friend: make everything about her

[date]

waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*

me: *to date* this is all your fault

Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.

I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!

Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!

Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo

Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.

I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.

A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.

[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift

Normalize ordering a straw with your soup

Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-

*wakes up*

[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice

I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.

Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.

Me: Oh, who got the last spot?

Coach: Umm

Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?

*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers

My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.

Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect

Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point

Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control

ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later

I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level

a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe

Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.

Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death

Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing

*Bites lower lip*

“So this is an abduction then?”

Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”

“Is this the fifth one?”

– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish

*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*

ugh, it tastes like the house

My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.

Batman: Why so down?

Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.

*[Jesus enters]

Aquaman: Dammit!