Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?

no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe

So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.

I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.

no cat here

Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.

Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.

I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

You should be tunashamed of yourself!

If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello

Me: will you wake your sister

4: no that’s way too scary

Is this:

A. A blue shark

B. A leopard shark

C. A pelagic thresher

D. None of the above

In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.

How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”

8yo: Can you just say nothing?

3yo: Nothing

8yo: No, just say nothing

3yo: Nothing!

8yo: No, can you just be silent?

3yo:

3yo: NOTHING!

Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.

age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]

BECOME UNGOVERNABLE

*inventing the mirror*

“People don’t have enough to worry about.”

Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?

Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it

Duck *holding gun* good answer

As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.

Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?

Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.

I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕

Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..

~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand

Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.

“Amanda Seyfried (left)”

The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.

Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…

But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.

The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.