I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
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I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.