I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
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It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:
“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”
Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?